Titleless

This is my first post written in English.

Strange, isn't it?

This doesn't usually happen. But at this very moment the thoughts shuttling through my head are surprisingly in English.

It's almost two months ever since I left Jc, ever since I left Singapore. I never thought that I would leave Singapore; but I did. When I left, I told myself that I'm leaving to create a greater future, I told myself that I'm stepping out of my comfort zone.

Indeed, this journey isn't comfortable.

I contemplated a lot over this period, about life, about myself, about the future.

But I couldn't seem to get any answers for my doubts.

You see...I realized that I've been escaping throughout my life...I hardly stood up for anything. I'm so disappointed in myself..

"Please,please! Don't yield in" This is what I have been telling myself lately. Somewhat I know that if I choose to give in and escape again, I know I would get away, but I too understand that I would be a coward for the rest of my life. Becoming somebody whom I loathe and disdain is the last that I could imagine.

After this period of reviewing, I somehow discovered and acknowledged the fact that I'm smarter than the vast majority in this world, or at least on this planet (I'm kinda being thick skinned). However, somehow I feel that something is preventing me from achieving what I desire and what I'm capable of ( or at least I think I'm capable of). I don't see why. Seriously, I don't see why.

It's really hard for me to not doubt myself. Do you know why some people are addicted to the virtual world? It's because that's the place where they could win while real life is where they lose. If you losing in real life, you gotta win at somewhere else. But what about me? I hardly win, be it the real or the virtual world.

My parents have spent tons of cash trying to support my education and yet the only thing that I can do is disappoint them. I must be a lousy son, sighs* Whenever I see other relatives of mine going for long, expensive vacations or gourmet restaurants, I feel sorry for my parents. If they didn't choose to invest so much in me, they could have indulged in such luxury too......

Will their investment ever pay back?

Someone once said:"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us" But I can't seem to differentiate between the two anymore. It seems to me that they have fused together--into complete darkness.

Please, despite of the uncertainties, I pray that with my conviction and determination, I will overcome my doubts along with the naysayings and other adversities . Please, for this very once in years, allow me to achieve what I desire badly.

Dear victory, I miss the warmth of your embrace really really badly.....

茫

有太多太多的往事我努力想忘掉，无奈回忆似影，挥散不去。可若没有回忆，我，也不再是我了。回忆从无塑造了我，赋予了我感情，可我却想毁了他，毁了我精神层面的塑造者。这可不可笑？

回忆似影

平日里安静，温驯

不离身

却在无数个寂寞的夜里

在最没有防备的时候

化身魔鬼

带来

折磨与痛苦

把人

吞噬在侵蚀

是的

烟花易冷

人世易分

唯独回忆太忠诚

生活再没有希望，日子还得过下去；再怎么看不透灰暗的未来，明天终究会来到。再这么讨厌回忆，也得接受事实，接受自己永远活在过去这痛苦却不争的事实。为了能享受活在当下的奢侈，我试图寻找对生活的热情与情怀。友人Alan 表示对生活的热情就是尽力做好每一件事，可我做不到。现在的忙碌对我来说特别虚幻，飘渺，不充实。这让我不禁羡慕自己身边那些有理想，有抱负，并为之而奋斗的人们。他们持有对生活的热忱，有着对未来的憧憬与希望。这些都是我渴望，曾经拥有，却再也得不到的。曾几何时，我一度认为自己是个有情怀的人，勉强算个文青，可后来我才发现其实所谓情怀其实也不过只是对生活的一种热情，我对生活没有热情，不，应该说是我学不会对生活的热情。没有热情，情怀又该从哪来？唉~

我终究走不出自己这悲哀的心境。

深，夜深，睡意在夜里渐深。

生活再没有希望，日子还得过下去；再怎么看不透灰暗的未来，明天终究会来到.......

晚安。

10/5/2015

年华匆匆

        

    匆匆那年？匆匆的不只一年吧？自我童年逝去了以后，生活里就只剩下了忙碌与奔波,已有许久未曾好好感受活着的感觉。在忙碌的求学生涯里，我一度以为能够成天无所事事，就可以好好地细细品味生活，可如今我却不以为然，因为这样活着太颓废，颓废地身体快腐烂了；这样的生活也太寂寞，寂寞地快叫人抓狂了。

    自从考试过了以后，在这段乏味的日子里，我想了很多很多，大部分的都是往事，一些不堪回首的往事.....

    往事虽不堪回首，可如今回头细细咀嚼却让人不禁深陷其中，一不小心就想得痴了，想得心里甜滋滋的。“过去的日子都是好日子”想必说的就是这种感觉吧，在事情发生的当下我们或许会觉得辛酸痛苦，可是当事情过去了以后我们会因为犯贱心理作祟，开始珍惜这段回忆，感叹岁月不留人...

    年华匆匆，一瞬即逝。可年华倘如并非如此匆快，青春也不会如此可贵。我实在不愿意任由自己迷失在飞逝的时光中，像大部分的社会人一样浮沉至老，浮沉至死，浮沉至自己在垂暮之年只剩下一副空壳，可我仍然迷茫......

    迷茫，是每个人的青春里少不了的一个环节，它虽然是个迷宫，却也是个让我们能够更清楚地迈向自己想要的未来的一盏明灯，不过这当然是在你走的出这个迷宫的前提下。两年了，唉，整整两年了，我想我还是挣脱不了这个樊笼...这样下去又该如何是好..?

    古龙说过一个人只要来过，活过，爱过 就不算虚度此生。来，我是来过了，可真真实实地随心而活呢？我又有轰轰烈烈，刻骨铭心地爱过吗？



    活，生活，每个人都过着不一样的生活，是以大家对它的见解都不同。过去的16年里，我都遵守着这个社会的潜规则，循规蹈矩的生活着，可是我觉得好累好累，好腻好腻.这或许是因为我才华平平，无法成为这个系统的佼佼者吧,所以我选择了逃避（虽然我明白不是每个人都能像路飞一样向世界宣战，可是就算只有一次，一次就好，我也想挑战这个世界，挑翻这冷漠无情的社会！），因为我这一路来这样自卑地自负着实在是太痛苦了，痛的快死了，可我却已把自己封死在“迷茫”这个无底深渊之中，唉~,生命本该洋溢着希望，可为什么有时它却只是一条死路呢？

    爱，不单单指的是男女之间的爱，更可以是对世界的热爱，对人类的希望；也可以是指对自己坦然坦诚，做自己喜欢做的事，走自己想走的路。这些都可以算是爱，自爱（不是自恋，切记，切记）。

   朋友同学们都渐渐有了自己的梦想与目标，都已在人生的道路上找到了自己的方向，他们一步一步地迈向前方，徒留我一人在原地......这当然不能怪他们，因为这是我自己不争气，可是难免还是会有一些伤感.....

   倘若一个人没有感兴趣的事物，那他该这么活？
   
   倘若一个人把生命寄托给了空虚，那空虚有将以什么回报呢？


   明天，唉~，明天，

   我还有明天可盼望吗？



                                                                                                                                                                   11/1/15
 11:55 pm