Titleless

This is my first post written in English.

Strange, isn't it?

This doesn't usually happen. But at this very moment the thoughts shuttling through my head are surprisingly in English.

It's almost two months ever since I left Jc, ever since I left Singapore. I never thought that I would leave Singapore; but I did. When I left, I told myself that I'm leaving to create a greater future, I told myself that I'm stepping out of my comfort zone.

Indeed, this journey isn't comfortable.

I contemplated a lot over this period, about life, about myself, about the future.

But I couldn't seem to get any answers for my doubts.

You see...I realized that I've been escaping throughout my life...I hardly stood up for anything. I'm so disappointed in myself..

"Please,please! Don't yield in" This is what I have been telling myself lately. Somewhat I know that if I choose to give in and escape again, I know I would get away, but I too understand that I would be a coward for the rest of my life. Becoming somebody whom I loathe and disdain is the last that I could imagine.

After this period of reviewing, I somehow discovered and acknowledged the fact that I'm smarter than the vast majority in this world, or at least on this planet (I'm kinda being thick skinned). However, somehow I feel that something is preventing me from achieving what I desire and what I'm capable of ( or at least I think I'm capable of). I don't see why. Seriously, I don't see why.

It's really hard for me to not doubt myself. Do you know why some people are addicted to the virtual world? It's because that's the place where they could win while real life is where they lose. If you losing in real life, you gotta win at somewhere else. But what about me? I hardly win, be it the real or the virtual world.

My parents have spent tons of cash trying to support my education and yet the only thing that I can do is disappoint them. I must be a lousy son, sighs* Whenever I see other relatives of mine going for long, expensive vacations or gourmet restaurants, I feel sorry for my parents. If they didn't choose to invest so much in me, they could have indulged in such luxury too......

Will their investment ever pay back?

Someone once said:"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us" But I can't seem to differentiate between the two anymore. It seems to me that they have fused together--into complete darkness.

Please, despite of the uncertainties, I pray that with my conviction and determination, I will overcome my doubts along with the naysayings and other adversities . Please, for this very once in years, allow me to achieve what I desire badly.

Dear victory, I miss the warmth of your embrace really really badly.....